The votes have been counted and the worst has happened: Donald Trump is set to become the next president of the United States.
I know it seems useless to add my opinion to the black hole of media commentary that, in less than 24 hours, has already written and talked ad nauseam about our broken political system, our divided country, and the utter despair that a Trump administration will no doubt unleash on the American people.
But at the same time, the media (left and right alike) are more than just a bit culpable in Trump’s unlikely ascension to power, where they fed on each other like some terriblely deformed two headed snake. So who cares what they think.
That aside, I’d like to dwell for a moment on a few wisps of silver lining that I believe are still possible under a Trump administration.
Let’s face it, candidate Trump, in his own words, was a complete disaster. This is as unambiguously true as any of our most commonly shared beliefs, like the knowledge that intelligent life exists beyond Earth and country music sucks.
But just because candidate Trump represented the worst manifestations of racism, bigotry and unchecked misogyny, doesn’t mean that President Trump will represent those same values.
After all, once the deportations begin, and we free our country of the rapists and criminals who have plagued our society for so long, America can once again begin working towards our rightful destiny as Numero Uno. Oh shit, sorry, I mean Number One.
In fact, there are many things to look forward to with a President Trump. First and foremost, I look forward to the wall along the Mexican border that will keep our enemies at bay, our children safe and our wives faithful.
With the wall in place, and would be terrorists placed on notice, we can finally return to the 1950s salad days that we all pine for. Days where we could smoke in the office, drink martinis at lunch, and where the threat of nuclear war was forever imminent. With Trump at the switch – literally – those fond days of yesteryear can return at last.
And once Trump and his henchmen – Giuliani, Gingrich and Christie – take their rightful place in the halls of power, we can finally begin to mend as a nation (or run like hell).
Now that the first shocking post-election hours have passed, there are many things to be thankful for. For one, the world has not ended. And the expected sell-off in stocks has not come to fruition. Yet.
The markets have, to a large extent, priced in the prospect of higher inflation in the years to come. This will no doubt arise from Trump’s plan to spend government money he doesn’t have and cut taxes we can’t afford to cut. But after all, Bush did it, and that ended up fine, didn’t it?
And anyway, these policies will really only hurt the poor and marginalized. It is the people who can’t afford essential goods who will suffer when prices start to rise uncontrollably. But what about the wealthy? Don’t worry, with their massive and disproportionate tax cuts, Trump and his cronies should be just fine. In fact, some of their spending may even trickle down to the poor. More silver linings!
Finally, it was becoming a bit tiresome with Obama in the White House. With his intelligence and annoying little habits (who eats only seven almonds!?) and Michelle Obama’s exasperating need to “help” people. Ugh.
With Trump, we get a real, red blooded American. A man not afraid to push the envelope and get things done. A man who knows when it’s time to make a change – he’s been married three times – and who knows when it’s time to double down. A man who believes in his ideals, whatever they may be on that particular day. Finally, a man who, through sheer force of personality, was able to con 60 million Americans into voting for him.
And if Trump was able to lie and swindle and cheat the American people into electing him, then maybe, just maybe, there’s hope that he will have the same luck with the rest of the World. Who knows. I guess we have four years to find out.
An American Abroad 